so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
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If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
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All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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