Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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