pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
