The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
