grandma shit on top of the toilet
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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