the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
