My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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