im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
