...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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