Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
