: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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