Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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