there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
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I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
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I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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