I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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