I hate your face
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
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The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
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As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
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