i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
