I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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