my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
