My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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