Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
