woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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