I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
