matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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