I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
