So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
