so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
