Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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