Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
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You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
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Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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