I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
