my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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