Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
