I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
