It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
third nipple confirmed
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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