my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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