Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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