So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
