My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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