Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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