five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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