Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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