Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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