Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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