I want to walk on stilts...naked
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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