Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
