the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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