he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
