i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think I won the penis lottery.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
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