There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
