I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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