3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
