..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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