elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
