I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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