The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
we made out on top of his cat.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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