Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
